Relationship Difficulties

The need to feel loved, and to feel love for others, is at the core of human experience. In order to do that, we need meaningful relationships with others. If everyone has such a strong need to give and receive love, why then are human relationships so hard, so fraught with difficulties?

There are many reasons for this, of course. One common reason is that what one person deems as loveable behavior, another person does not. For example, suppose that a wife plans and gives a surprise party for her husbands 40th birthday. She plans this for a whole year prior to his birthday. On his birthday, the surprise goes well, and the husband is surprised, and seems pleased. After the party is over, the wife asks him how he enjoyed his party and he answers saying "It was O.K." The wife is very shocked, then disappointed, and hurt. "O.K.?" she states, "I planned this for a whole year and all you can say is it was O.K.!?"

Let's stop the scenario at this point and examine what has happened. The wife was well-meaning in her actions. She spent a lot of time and energy to show her husband how much she loves him. She gave her love through a loving, selfless act. Her husband, however feels awkward at parties, especially where he is the center of attention. His wife may have known that, but not how big an issue it was for him.
Or, she may have not known, and was surprised to learn that he felt that way. In any case, the wife becomes disappointed, which could result in an argument between them. Who was right, and who was wrong?

Healthy and Unhealthy Family Systems (Also See Adults With Troubled Childhoods)

Problem number one: Asking the wrong question. If we ask the question "Who is right and who is wrong?" in relationship problems, we usually head off in a "wrong" direction, and end up with more hurt feelings, and less resolution to the problem. In other words, less love to experience and share between the family members. (This applies to all relationships). Often, people grow up in homes where it is very important to not be blamed, for fear of punishment, criticism, or withdrawal of love. As a result, being held blameless, or being "right" becomes highly valued. This is the opposite of what occurs in healthier family systems, where it is more important to be emotionally close, and resolve negative feelings with each other.

In healthier families, where there is less fear of punishment, criticism, or withdrawal of love, it is easy to admit when mistakes are made. In such a family, a member's self esteem (good feelings about yourself) is more important than any single behavior, or even groups of behaviors. Using the above example with the surprise party, the husband, after saying it was "O.K." and noticing the disappointment on his wife's face might ask "what's wrong?" When his wife tells him, he could let her know that he appreciated the love and caring that went into the gift his wife gave him. He could put aside his own negative feelings for a period of time, long enough to help his wife go through her feelings of disappointment and keep reassuring her of his love for her. Then, at another time, he could talk about why it's hard for him to be the center of attention, if he knows, or he could talk about the fact that it is his problem, not hers, that he is uncomfortable with too much attention, and reassure her that she is not responsible for his reaction. He could apologize for hurting her feelings even if he believes she "should" have known better. He could decide that it is more important to be close than be right. Helping resolve this right/close issue is usually essential in working with relationship issues.

The primary factor in determining whether there will be trust, goodwill, and emotional closeness is whether each person is convinced that the other cares not just about his or her own well being, but about the other person's as well. In relationship therapy there are, of course, many other aspects to consider. Any large unresolved issue from your past can, and usually will emerge in your current relationship. The more you have an understanding of your own internal conflicts (issues), the greater your chance of not acting them out in the relationship in a destructive way. One of the tasks in all intimate relationships is to separate the past from the present. For example, if, in a previous relationship (or in your childhood) you experienced or observed one person verbally abusing another, you may develop an expectation that that pattern will be repeated in your current relationship. If your expectation is very strong, you may unconsciously recreate a situation in the present that mirrors what you have seen or experienced in the past. You may then come to the conclusion that most or all relationships involve verbal abuse and be totally unaware that you have helped (again unconsciously) select a partner who is verbally abusive, or allows themselves to be verbally abused.

Relationships provide a wonderful opportunity to understand ourselves in a new way, and to discover the best and most noble parts of ourselves. The reverse is also true, however. If we blame the other person for how we feel and respond, we stop the learning process and end up feeling angry, and often victimized. How we choose to deal with our own painful feelings from our past, as well as our present, and how much we are able to love and empathize with another, ultimately determines the outcome of the relationship, as well as our own spiritual and emotional growth.